2020 Changed Everything
We probably all know where we were when the world stopped. I was on a walk with my husband when we found out our governor was closing schools for 2 weeks; two weeks that turned in to much longer. I've struggled with anxiety for years, but something about the lockdown forced me to do something about it. I didn't want my brain to go haywire whenever something couldn't be explained. So, I made a choice. I joined Talkspace and was paired up with a counselor whose specialty was cognitive behavioral therapy. Talkspace worked for me because I could be in my own space on my own time and receive help with my anxiety. It also helped me let go of many of the stigmas attached to mental health and treatment.
Things fell into a routine. We masked, kept our distance and only when out when required. We stayed safe. In August of 2020, I received a phone call from my cousin. She told me that my mother was experiencing great pain and had been taken to the emergency room. A week later, she was diagnosed with lymphoma, but given a promising diagnosis. What followed were the longest 6 months of my life. I became my mother's primary caretaker. She moved in with my husband and I as she began chemotherapy treatments. The roles were switched, and it was difficult for both of us. As things worsened, I lost myself. I was eating once a day. My hair went uncombed for days. I was walking trauma.
In January of 2021, tests showed that my mother's cancer has spread to her spine. She had lost all feeling in one of her legs and would need aggressive treatment that would negatively impact her quality of life if she survived. We made the decision to bring her home and begin hospice care. I stayed with her, her 24 hour caretaker, now with the knowledge of how the story would end. She passed on a Friday. We buried her on a Tuesday. I returned to life as I knew it on a Monday. Things got better, then worse, then just okay. It was the process. Then I remembered one night, in my mother's hospital room, her urging me to go home and rest. "I want you to," she said. With her gone, I realized that she was saying more than just those three words. And that's what this site is about. It's about learning to take care of yourself in a time where that can be the hardest thing to do.